ladyevidence

I don't think I've ever been so happy to do the dishes.

Call me crazy, but for the most part, I've always liked cleaning. But lately, cleaning has hardly gotten done. Cayden's in this phase where he wakes up when I leave him for naps, so I tend to stay close by. Besides, it's been a good excuse to get in a nap or relax with a show or a book.

But anyway, Kristen is here all day, giving me a hand and making some money for Christmas.

So, for the first time in 5 months, I got to do dishes the way I use to: with my earphones on, forgetting everything about the world around me. I use to love dishes... I'd put on Christian music, sing, and drown out everything. It was honestly a time of worship for me. Even when Cayden's napping, I have to keep my ears open, because he can sleep anywhere from 30-120 minutes... And lately, as I said, I usually have to stay close (especially with him teething).

Ahhh, when Brent gets home.. life will be so much easier! Brent is a good Daddy, and he will take him at least a couple of hours on the weekend days for daddy time, and I can then get stuff done without any worries!

OH! I didn't write about the housing issue, did I? Ok, seriously, that deserves it's own post, because it's a huge topic... brb

So, Cayden's teething again. Last time, I was sure he'd have a tooth in the end, but no go. This time, I bet he'll have one, tho!

Teething makes him miserable, so he's more touchy and sleeps less.

Then, he's learning how to crawl. He's already scooting backwards, and is really getting all the motions down.

Whenever babies learn big things like that, they hardly sleep. They'd rather be up practicing their new thing.

So, we're insomniacs together, I guess... lol.

On another Cayden note: We've been doing sign language for a while, using a video to help. Today I started singing one of the songs, and he quickly looked at me, and watched my hands expectantly. He's not doing them yet, but he's associating the songs and the words with the signs, and that's a big step!

Signing is great. They use it for years. It especially helps if they are upset, when it can be difficult to get someone to understand them.

I love that his personality is really starting to shine. He's very gentle for a baby. You should see him pet the kitty, or play with my hair. He looks so intense, and he's very careful not to pull most of the time. Also, he's obsessed with the tags on his stuffed toys. He gingerly plays with them, watching with intense concentration. He also laughs when the wind blows and all the trees "dance". I have a prism in a window, and he loves to chase the rainbows. He runs all over the place in his walker. His favorite kind of actual toy is balls. He loves that they roll! Last week, the cat started playing with one of his stuff animals, and Cayden got this concerned look on his face, and then threw his ball at the cat to break up the "fight". What an arm and an aim!! He knows how to woo the ladies with his biggest smile. He really likes blonds in particular. He gets the most proud look on his face every time he rolls over... I could go on and on. Yep, I love him!

He's being so good in his jumparoo right now! That's how I have any time... lol.

Ok, I know that it was said in passing in the last post... but my neck REALLY hurts. Part of me was hoping that it was just like when you overwork a muscle, and that it dies down in a day or so.. but no. I don't see this "dying down".

I can't look right. I can't turn to the right at all. Stupid pinched nerve. I ordered something that should help, but it won't be here for a few days.

My main dr would simply put me on a high dose of tylenol and tell me to take it easy, so it's not worth the 45 minute drive to her in the pouring rain...

My chiropractor could help, but she's not cheap, and I've already spent so much on Christmas...

Well, if I'm in pain for too long, I'll break down and go to the chiro, I bet...

But, right after Christmas is my birthday, too.

Sheesh, busy, busy, busy!

I love my new church. It's been about a month now. My old Pastor hired a "second in charge" pastor, and he brought in a lot of false doctrine, and it had been breaking my heart for months.

My new one is way better anyway. It's small enough that people mostly know each other, but not too small that it's weird. It's teaching is expository instead of topical (YAY!). The pastor graduated from The Master's Seminary (Double YAY!). Everyone's so nice. 3 years at my last church, and I still only really knew the pastor and Stephanie (whom I met outside of church!). Here, the first day I was already introduced to a couple dozen people! Needless to say, this church is much more personable. I trust it's teachings more, too.

Oh. In case you didn't know: babies can be ridiculously expensive! I mean, I knew that he'd be expensive at first, and then I knew that clothes and food would always be needed... but it didn't occur to me how much else was needed at weird intervals. I've had to get an insane amount of items this month... poor guy won't be getting lots of toys from Mommy for Christmas! But, he's too big for the sink, so I need bigger bath stuff... he's about to start solid food... he's mobile and getting into everything so I need more babyproofing... and he's about to grow into yet another size! Babyproofing stuff is NOT cheap. Making your own babyfood is cheaper and more healthy than buying babyfood... but initially you need to spend the money on stuff to make and store the food! So, just let me warn those unsuspecting people out there... babies always cost more than what you budget them to be. For example, it didn't occur to me that my little 4 month old (5 months next week!), would grow so ridiculously quickly that I'd have to buy some 12 month clothes for him already. That's *5* sizes (newborn/NB, 0-3/3, 3-6/6, 6-9/9, 9-12/12) that I've had to go through in about 5 months. He's currently in 9, but I needed to get a couple of 12 mo outfits, because last time he grew so quickly overnight, and I didn't have the next size! He's already way too big for Gerber's size 6-9, but different brands fit differently.

Anyway... so... I pinched a nerve in my neck somehow last night. I have no idea how, but I suddenly found myself unable to move the next morning and all day. Yeowch...

Cayden met Santa today. I was afraid he'd cry, but he loved him! Then, he was in a great mood for the rest of the day.

Wow, he's grown. He gets around soo fast in his walker now, and I'm sure he'll be crawling by Christmas..!

Ok, more pics soon, but I'm off for now!

Hehe... We did Christmas photos this weekend. The prints won't be ready for a while yet, but they were put online, and I couldn't help but share one! I might post more later! I had to do them early, so that they would be ready for Christmas cards and get to people in time!

I love this time of the year, even if I really don't like the crazy crowds of shoppers and the long lines at the post office! I'm doing most of my shopping on amazon.... free 2 day shipping, and most things cost less there than shopping in the stores anyway. Toss in a couple of $ for giftwrapping, and it's SO worth not having to deal with the crowds, long lines, horrid traffic, and the insane normal costs of packing and shipping... I love being an amazon prime member!

Anyway, that's not why I love the season anyway. Seriously. I love shopping for people. I love giving gifts! But I love the season for the work God does around us and in our lives the most. He speaks to people, myself included! It's also a great time for evangelism! It's the easiest time of the year to talk to people about Jesus. Give it a try! Even just putting a holiday tract in your Christmas cards is better than silence!

I also love winter weather, and nearly all that that entails. Sweaters, heavy blankets, hot tea, lighting the fireplace, snuggling, slippers, cocoa... I'm such a winter baby!

Ok, I'm off! Tomorrow, Stephanie and I are making Christmas cookies, and sending some to Brent. :)

PS: Cayden is so big already! He's 4 months old, but he's soo tall!

Phew!

Over the last week... actually, I think it's been two weeks... I've had no freetime for computer time!

Cayden's napping, but he's been out for a while, so I might not have long. Here's what's up:

My little boy is so big! He had another growth spurt! Now he's 16 lbs and 26.5 inches long. He had "chub" for a couple of days, so I knew a spurt was coming, but he shot up an inch and a half! Now he's my tall and skinny boy again... he just looks like a tall and skinny SEVEN MONTH OLD, not a four-month one!

I finally broke down and hired someone to come clean my house. She costs a little more than the cheapest I could get, but I like her and trust her more than the bigger cooperation ones. She's a nice Christian lady who has 5 kids, and she did a wonderful job... it's SOOO NICE just to have my house done, and really, it only costs about as much as eating out a couple times a month costs. Brent already gave me the OK a long time ago... I just felt a bit like a failure if I actually did it, you know? All these Christian Homemaker blogs I love... it's like... they can juggle 3 kids, always have a home-cooked meal and a clean house, AND time for quiet prayer and Bible reading! I don't know how they do it. Are their kids really that much less of a handful than Cayden is? I mean, even if Brent WERE here, he'd be working until 6-8 pm at night, and Cayden's usually in bed by then anyway, so he wouldn't help TOO much, you know? Eh, I don't know. Anyway, now that I did it, I don't care. I'm happy that I hired someone. I also tell myself that it's helping out a nice Christian lady right by Christmas :P.

By the grace of God, nursing is still being done. Only at night, so he's not sleeping through the night yet, but I'm glad to be able to do ANYTHING! I had to choose between getting him to sleep through the night, or being able to nurse him. The milk hormones are always stronger at night, and that little boost is what lets me pull it off at all, stupid PCOS :P.

On that same note, I'm struggling with the decision to actually cave in and possibly start anti-depressants again. But, again, that feeling of failure nips at me even thinking about it. Plus, nursing would have to stop 100%. I haven't been on anything since I was about 17. I don't want to be on thm unless I ABSOLUTELY need them, and I can't really decide if I do. Any Dr would "take the safe side" and put me on them if there was any possibility that I need them, but I wish I could get the real answer out of them...

Christmas pictures this weekend! I know it's early, but in order to get them taken, ordered, finished, put in cards, and sent out in time for Christmas, now is the time! Last time, it took 2 weeks for the picture order to come in! I can see them online before the hard copies get to them, so I'll put them up then.

All my other pictures are finally framed and on the walls.. my house looks very homey now!

Yay, well, he's up. He's soo sweet and I love him bunches, but it still gets pretty lonely, you know?

So, I tried out Vonage, for about 8 months.

First, my internet company was always having issues with it, so I'd go weeks at a time without any service, despite the outrageous price I have to pay for high-speed internet out here. According to both companies (Vonage and Cox), there shouldn't have been any problem with my service, but there always was.

Second, their customer service is the worst I've ever had to deal with, topping both Dell and Cingular Wireless, which is quite a feat.

Third, they're liars. When I signed up, they sent me "refurbished" (aka, used) equipment that would not cost me anything as long as I returned it when I canceled my service. Come time to cancel my service, they wouldn't take it back... AND they charged me full price for a NEW system... $80. They tried to tell me that they never took back equipment, and that the guy who signed me up never said that. Then they slammed on a $40 cancellation fee that they never told me about. So, a total of $120, that they automatically took from my credit card without even warning me the same day I canceled my service. Naturally, Customer service was of no help. And believe me, I am generally really good at making Customer Service people do what I need them to do, but not this time...

So, I guess I'm pulling out my only weapon: Words.

Tell your friends about how bad Vonage is. Tell them that they will hang up on you when you call for tech support (they did. They also promised to "call me back" another time and never did), and then they'll rip you a new one when you cancel your account. If a friend tells you that they're thinking of switching to Vonage, scream "Nooooooo! Don't do it!!!". $120 is no laughing matter...

Day 3 was harder than ever.
Day 4, I didn't feel well at all, and wanted to sleep a lot, so I coslept for naps. No way was my splitting headache gonna enable me to listen to Cayden cry and fight for an hour for every nap...

So, then, sleeping with me, he slept great, and had normal long naps.

So then, he decides today at 3 am that he's up. I've tried everything...

Why does this have to be so hard?

Phew! Day 2 is finished!

Really, with Cayden on this schedule, I already get a lot more done, he sleeps a lot more already, and life is a lot less hectic.

But, the process is hard and a bit heartbreaking. Today was a little better and a little worse. For some people, day one is the hardest, but for others, it's day 2. It was harder and easier for me...

He fell asleep in about the same amount of time, or a little less, but he cried harder and more.

Overall, he's already quite use to the schedule, and he's predictably hungry and tired at the right time... but he's such a sleep fighter!! Life is just too exciting for my little bubby!

I got blackout curtains today for naps, but the ones I got just don't do the job right, so I'm gonna double them up. I got the extra-long kind, because I think they're more elegant, but now I'll fold them in half to make them shorter and thicker. Cayden goes to sleep much better when it's as dark as it can be.

He'll be sooo tired, and he'll just cry and cry. He went down tonight without a peep, but a little while later, his "sleep twitching" woke him up, and then I had to do about 20 minutes with him to get him to sleep again. 20 minutes isn't that bad, but I hate hearing my bubby cry so much, even if I'm there soothing him, you know?

No, swaddling him doesn't work. Not since he was under a month old. He has SUPER LONG arms, and he goes all Houdini and breaks out of even the best swaddle. Then he pulls the fabric to his face, so it's too much of a hazard to keep up.

Anyway, despite his struggling, everything is going so well! Hopefully, tomorrow will be the last hard day fr a while. They say that the baby is usually good to go after day 3, but that a few days after that, he'll start up again for a day or two to test you. After that, you're usually good until they get sick or teethe, which always causes problems.

But boy did I get stuff done today - even with the extra stress of sleep-training! I can't wait until it works!

Today I did a shopping run (only what was needed!), picked up the pictures (yay, they were finished 5 days early!), laminated most of my pictures, framed the ones I'm keeping, folded diapers, did another normal load of laundry, continued washing the new diapers (one more cycle left!), cleaned the livingroom, argued with Vonage (bye-bye!), got my Verizon activated... and I'm debating on setting up my photo printer (I got the reordered part I needed), and printing up pics... or going to bed early (I'm a bit sleepy, but not totally there yet).

Yeah.. gonna print pictures... lol

Ok, so we're both over our colds, even if he's still a bit congested in the mornings because of his allergies.

( Kiba and allergy update... (good update, but I want to focus on the other topic!) )

Anyway, back to babywhisperer!

I've done a LOT of research to help prepare me to sleeptrain Cayden. You really want to research before trying, because consistency is the key, and you don't want to spend a lot of time trying a lot of different things, or pausing your trying because you don't yet know what to do next!

So, I researched first, reading a few books and spending a lot of time on some websites, researching.

I came close to trying the "cry-it-out" method before, as you read, but it was too heartbreaking. It might work for some, but I want Cayden to know that I'll be there when he cries for me. He doesn't know why things are changing. One day it's cuddles and closeness with Momma, falling asleep to a warm bottle or nursing, and the next it's suddenly all alone, no other body warmth, no cuddles, behind bars.

So, the babywhisperer method is a "no-cry" method. You comfort and/or pick them up when they cry while teaching them to sleep, no matter how long it takes or how many times you do it. It usually takes 3 hard days of a LOT of comforting and picking up, but after that, there's usually no problems, and no soothing or props needed.

I was skeptical. And a bit worried, because Cayden is one of the types of temperament that was known to usually fight the switch.

But, first nap of the day, he was aslseep... on a schedule... in his crib! He hasn't been on his crib since he was 2 weeks old, he hardly ever naps at all, and it's been hard to get him on a schedule.

It took about 30-45 minutes of soothing at each nap, and his naps were shorter (about 45 minutes), but that was actually better than what most parents go through their first day! He got in 3 solid naps, the last one being a couple of hours long. Then, putting him down tonight, he didn't even cry putting him down in the crib.

Now, that might change, because he was really tired when I put him down tonight. I'm half expecting him to wake up not too long from now, wondering why he was in the crib. But, if he does, I know what to do now!

Also, I'm not following everything 100%. He wouldn't let me switch his feeding time from before naps to after naps, so he's having a bottle beforehand. But, I don't let him fall asleep on the bottle. I'm not "sneaking" him into the crib after he's asleep or anything. I want him to learn how to fall asleep in there.

I hope I can pull off the feeding switch-over in the next few days.

Anyway, this is awesome so far. No, it's not super easy, but it is going better than I expected. It's very tiring, and I plan to go to bed myself really soon. I just needed a bit of wind-down time. They say with how tiring sleep training is, and with how you won't know how often they'll be up those first few nights, you want to sleep whenever they sleep to be well-rested.

I do need to get thicker curtains in my bedroom. ANY light really makes it harder for him to sleep, so that afternoon nap was the hardest.

I'm thinking of NOT training him to sleep "through the night" right now, because of the nursing issue. Mostly, I'm training him to use the crib now for naps and that first stretch of the night. No more sleeping in bed for naps, so I can get up, do chores and whatnot, and know that he's not gonna find a way to fall off the bed or get into other such trouble. I'll probably still co-sleep in the middle of the night for nursing, because it's safer when I'm with him (I have it set up really safely), and it's sooo much easier for both of us.

Already it's been great getting stuff done today. I got the bottles done, 2 loads of normal laundry, one load of normal diapers, got the new diapers washed 3 out of 5 times so far (have to wash them 5 times before the first use), steam-mopped my floors, got in a good shower... and I think I'm forgetting something.

And this weekend, I'm finally gonna have Krysten over to babysit some. She'll come over, probably all day, and I'll pay her a little bit if she's watching him while I'm here (yay, I can clean the house really well, and maybe take a long bath!), and a little more for a trip to go out for a little, maybe see a movie with a friend. Ahhh. I just... need a little break, you know?

Ok, I should be wound down, and I should go to bed. Say a prayer for me for day 2!

Yep, feeling worse today. Way more irritable, even if I did let myself have some coffee to fight off the tiredness.

I'm doing my best to keep it together and to not snap at anyone, especially Cayden, but it was hard.

I need a break. It's been him and I 24-7 since Florida. The last few times I went out, he had to come, and he was even awake. He's still pretty impossible for naps, and he's actually waking up more than ever during the night!

I can't seem to get anything done, and by the time I have a moment to myself (after he's gone to bed, but before he wakes up, which isn't too long), I've finally hit that point where I just CRASH for that time. I don't have the energy or the motivation, you know? At least my dad's been doing more. HE's kept up on the trash and the dishes he makes, so that's a MAJOR help. Plus, don't laugh, but I got the Swivel Sweeper G2, and it rocks (hey, I can even vacuum while holding Cayden, and this thing actually works really well!), so my most basic housecare is kept up with.

I could possibly go through the methods to get Cayden sleeping through the night... but there's a hitch. I officially can't nurse him anymore except for in the middle of the night. Hormones naturally fluctuate, and it's always better at night, but for me, even with loads of herbal remedies, it's become all I can muster. So, he wakes up pretty often, seeing as he doesn't get too terribly much at each feeding.

I know I could give him a big bottle or two, and have the nights more free... but BF'ing will be done for good if I do. I'll miss it so much, and with cold and flu season here, he's loosing a major defense.

My Dr may be able to prescribe me something that might help me be able to nurse him during the day some, but it passes into the milk, and I don't trust that.

On the outside, people here would probably think I'm fine, or even better than I was say one month ago, but inside I feel a lot worse. I hate this feeling, but if my outside matched my inside, I think everything would be worse. Part of me wants to cry the next time Brent calls, and let out just how hard it is, but I know I won't (and that I shouldn't). When Cayden refuses to sleep, or wakes up 10 minutes after I put him down (the usual lately), part of me wants to yell at him, but I don't let myself.

I hate this feeling.

I need a good break, but the last few times I've tried to have someone babysit (the two people who told me that they'd babysit anytime), they can never make it, even with a lot of time in advance... even when I ask them to just GIVE me a time that they can. Cayden's so little... I can't trust just any babysitter, and I don't need or want anything like daycare.

I don't think that moms need "me time" as much as a lot of people think they do... but I've been going 100% for nearly 4 months now, alone when it comes to the baby, except for when I was in FL and I had a couple of times away from it all. With the stress of a deployment, with nobody here to just give me a hug when I need it... I just want my hubby. Even if he were to never help with the baby (and he would!), I need what he gives me, the love and affection... my confidant, my "head".

I really should go to God even more. I know that He should be everything that I need... but I know He knows what I'm going through missing and needing Brent so much, too.

See... I've not even really had the time to pour out these feelings. Not to anyone. That surely doesn't help.

*Sigh* stuff to do. The new diapers came in, and I need to wash them (and dry them) 5 times before I can use them. I can wait a little longer before I need to use them, tho. I also have his old diapers in the dryer waiting to sort and fold (even with the new size, these have their uses). His bedset came in today, but I'm frustrated about the false advertising about it being 100% cotton (it has 100% polyester stuffing... which makes me mad because I went through a lot before deciding on this one and I don't want to go through the hassle of returning it and finding a new one). And etc, etc. Plenty of other stuff I could and probably should do, like clean dad's bathroom (although dad has agreed to clean his own, he hasn't done it even ONCE, and it's the one that guests use, so it reflects poorly on me, so I have had to keep doing it).

But... I'm exhausted and just... worn out.

Aaaahhhh...

Ladies who've been through deployments before probably know exactly what I mean when I say that I've finally hit my stride. Just today, finally.

Actually, mommies probably understand, too!

Seeing as it was coupled this time, it took longer than usual. The "normal schedule" puts that point at 1.5-2 months for most Marine wives, but here it took me nearly 3.5. There's a predictable chart of emotions that most spouses go through for deployments, and even if I fight it, I know I still end up following this thing.

But, ahh, it feels good. To finally have my day running pretty smoothly... to finally be really recovering from my world being turned upside-down again... it's not even about schedules or anything like that. It's more the break in the emotional rollercoaster that is deployments. You'd think it's all great from here, but by now I know better. A month or two before he gets home, the rollercoaster will pick back up again, because the end of the deployment can sometimes be as rough as the beginning, believe it or not! This time, the newness of doing this for the first time with a baby will also add twists and turns to this ride!

But until then, I will enjoy my stride. I will breathe. Time will really start picking up now, too, I bet. When the day finally feels "normal" again, the day goes more smoothly... and so do the months.

I feel good.

So, Cayden keeps pulling at my hair.... so I took this oppurtunity to finally take the leap and cut my hair shorter than I've ever had it.

My sisters always had long hair. Growing up, my big sister had hair to her knees, and my little sister had hair to her butt. I was always the one grabbing the scissors and cutting my own hair if my parents didn't let me. Since getting marries, I've kept it pretty long. But I asked Brent if he would be ok (I think that's just the polite thing to do), and he said "Sure, give it a try!". I like it!

Cayden yanks at my hair, so it's up 00% of the time. I don't even have time to blow-dry, so it's just been wet in a bun all day for weeks. Now, it will dry, be out of the way, and I can just put a hairband in to keep it out of my face!

( Pic! )

Well, *I* like it. :P

PS: The new icon is from our Halloween pics that we did yesterday!

Yep, still on with this cold. I'm much better, but Cayden still has a stuffy nose. He takes it so well, with a smile still almost always on his face. He is, however, very very clingy. And quite literally. He knows I get up after he falls asleep for naps, and he's started to literally cling to my clothes to try to keep me with him. And he reaches for me every 5-10 minutes or so to make sure I'm still there. At first, I was a bit annoyed (being sick makes me a little more easily aggravated), but now I don't care, and I'm likely to just stay with my poor stuffy baby.

Anyway, I've been reading about baby sleep and whatnot for a while now (since Cayden fell asleep). He just doesn't nap like most babies do, and I really want to fix that. Almost everyone just says "let him cry", and call me stupid, but I can't stand that. My baby is calling for me with tears, trusting me to take care of him, and people just keep telling me to leave him be? And what's wrong with rocking my baby to sleep? So what if I might have to do it for a long time because he's use to it?

I really hate those methods that tell women to go against their instincts. The funny thing is, those same people who told me to let him "cry it out" during the day complained at me when he was doing it when they wanted to sleep... Anyway, Tracy Hogg came up with another method that I'm thinking of trying. Well, it's a few things combined, really.

I'll set him down about 2 hours after he woke up, starting to get to a better schedule.If he's having trouble sleeping, you move naptime backwards or forwards some to see where he needs it. Then, if he cries, instead of just letting him cry or picking him up and keeping him in my arms and awake, Tracy Hogg's method is picking them up, soothing them, and putting them right back down, as many times as it takes. The first couple of days might take a LOT of attempts, but after that it usually gets much better very quickly. And if he cries in the middle of the night or a nap, give him a couple of minutes to be sure that he's not just crying in his sleep (at that point, going to him would wake him up), before getting him.

Sounds like a plan. No more going against my instincts. No more feeling guilty for not following other people's "right way", or feeling guilty when I follow "their way" because of how it makes me feel. I'm tired of all the "experts" who talk to you like your baby is just being manipulative when they cry. We're not talking about spoiled 6-year olds here... but newborn babies who don't know how the world works. They just know that they need and love their mommies and daddies. :)


Rant much?
Really, I'm not even going off on people who follow these methods (really, it's the people who write the books that get me flustered). I just can't, tho.

Ok, we have a cold. We're alright tho. I'm not exhausted today, but I'm very sniffly and whatnot.

I thank God for my Vicks Vaporizer, which helps a LOT.

What might be along the same lines, but maybe not (colds can have bad effects on it): looks like I will very soon have no choice but to wean Cayden. I've done my very best. I have. I've taken all the pills (tho I hate pills, and it's been like 12+ a day), tho I've prayed, tho I've taken every bit of advice... it just doesn't look like nursing will be possible for much longer. :(. I wish it was. He does, too. He's very angry and frustrated at this, and I don't blame him. But when he cries and doesn't want a -bottle-, when there's nothing I can do about it, it just makes me want to cry. I hope we go a lot longer, but that would be against the odds for sure.

So, between a cold and now unwanted weaning, it's been a rough week for bubby and I.

I've been trying to keep my head up, tho!

For now... off to bed with me!

Wow. I don't know what's with me today. I'm completely exhausted. I had enough hours of sleep last night, but I am desperate for a nap right now. I'm falling asleep! I wish someone could watch Cayden for an hour, or even just 20 minutes... I just feel like I'm gonna fall asleep on my feet, literally.

I got in a couple of minutes while Cayden napped, but a phonecall woke us up. Now I'm afraid he'll never get back to sleep. it's been over an hour since the call, and I was hoping at least that he'd take another nap. Right now, he's in his swing, but he's fussing and it doesn't look like he'll fall asleep...

I guess I'll dig up some coffee... :( I know that's not what I need, tho.

Added: yippiee! Seems like he's gonna sleep after all! *CRASHES*
Added: Or not. I can't tell. He can't decide. God, please let him sleep..? So I can..?

So, yeah, there's apparently an abortion clinic a couple of blocks from my newer apartment. I thought it was just a normal Dr's office until just this week when I saw people out front. I suppose I should have guessed, seeing as I live righ...t by a major college campus. I can't believe that the PRC didn't tell me. I hope having a newborn baby doesn't make me completely ignorant to EVERYTHING around me!

They're actually doing 40 Days of Life. It's peaceful protesting: prayer and talking to whomever will listen about the dangers of abortion, the reality of life, other options, etc. They're very toned-down compared to many groups. They have a lot of rules to follow. Right now, for these 40 days, they want at least 2 people out there 24/7 until Nov 1, in prayer.

Honestly, I'd love to go out there. I can't imagine God putting a clinic between my house and the grocery store or even the nearest bus stop only to have me stay at home, doing nothing. I'd LOVE to do sidewalk counseling again.

Cayden has been exceptionally fussy and sleepy these last two days.

It's like, he's sleepy, but he refuses to sleep. This boy hardly ever naps. He use to have a long nap in the morning and in the evening, and then he'd have an extra-long night, but lately he won't nap for more than 5-10 minutes. He kept moving his late nap later and later, until now it's more like a really long night with two bottle wakings.

He's finally asleep ATM, but I doubt it will last. It never does lately.

And, I use to use his nap times and get things done, but now they don't exist. He'll let me put him down for a couple of minutes at a time, but that's about it.

So, when he finally crashes at maybe 7 pm, by then, I'm just so worn down, having had no breaks all day, that I really don't get anything done then, either!

I miss his naps!

Oh, and he really still won't let me use wraps or carriers. He hates feeling restrained, I guess. If I could at least do that, I'd get some things done!

But, really, it's wearing me down! I'm lucky if I can get my dad to watch him for 15 minutes every few days so that I can sneak in a shower. He's just no help with Cayden.

With Cayden being so active... let me really say how I feel: I feel a bit cheated. I didn't get very much little baby time. Already he's sooo active and demanding. Normally, babies at this age are still on a simple schedule, with a lot of naps and simple things.

I'm just... exhausted. I've been home a little more than a week, but I'm already worn out.

I can't wait until Brent gets home. This is not a one-person full-time job, and I really need a few minutes a day, a couple of hours a week, to get stuff done, and get a bit of a break. I wish I at least had a good mommy friend, and we could work together.

Speaking of: I tried out a mommy playdate thing. I hated it. This one was organized by this anti-God woman. Seriously. She got all offended when I said "God bless you" when her kid sneezed. Oh, and as I was packing to leave, I was quietly singing "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" to Cayden, and she came all the way over to me and informed me that there was a "Non-religious" version of that song that I could feel free to sing. Ok, seriously, this was in a -public- park, and I was all alone, minding my own business at that point.

... 5 months left. Lord help me make it through!

Well, there he goes. It hasn't been 10 minutes... BUBBY, SLEEP!

Hm. Before Cayden, I hadn't had to be on antibiotics in some 10 years. But now I get to be on them twice in two months. Joy~!

Friends convinced me to go out with them all day Sunday, which was fun, but they never really gave me any time to stop and nurse. It sucked, but I kind of shrugged it off, because they would have been really annoyed had I stopped our LONG walk to nurse, and it's hard enough hanging out with my childless friends ATM. So, if the same milk stays in too long, you can get an infection that basically makes me feel just like I have the flu. It won't hurt Cayden or anything, but it REALLY sucks for me. Too long on my feet makes me dizzy, I'm exhausted, and I even get the chills. So, I have an appointment today. If I didn't know better (but I do), I probably would have thought I have the flu, and been all worried, but I know what it is. I have the red mark and everything. Sucks, but at least I'm not contagious.

Today, I went to give Cayden a bath (he likes baths!), but I must have done it in such a way that I startled him putting him in, because he screamed. The water was perfect temp and everything. So I tried again, slower and with more assurance, but he wouldn't have it. I had to sponge bathe him. I hope his little fright doesn't cause me to have to sponge bathe him all the time... it's a lot harder, and I don't feel like he gets as clean that way.

So, I'll have to do the bare minimum, staying in bed as much as possible, for probably at least a week. It's not a laughing matter. If you get really bad, they have to surgically drain you, or worse. They say to just take your baby to bed with you and stay there, focusing on just the two of you. Wish me luck on that, because I get antsy doing nothing, even when I feel too sick to do nothing.

Today I ordered a bunch of things I needed and wanted. Our bonus finally started coming in this month, and I have a running list going. Cayden grew out of the bassinet part of his pack-and-play so now he needs pack-and-play sheets/waterproofers for the other parts. My old dry erase board won't stop falling down, so I'm getting a new one, and one that I will have our daily schedule up so that I'm more likely to stick to it. I got another idea today, and I decided to buy a sheet of stuff to make your own magnets. This way, you can print out your chores or main groceries onto little magnets and put them on the board where you want them. How cool is that? You could also do it with food, putting the magnet under either "in stock" or "need to buy" (or even locations like "freezer" or "almost gone").

Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE my Home Management Binder. But, I never have the time or the free hands to flip through it right now, and I'm MUCH more likely to follow what I can see. So, having it up will help me get some order into my life.

It's been great getting back to normal, but it's also been lonely, despite the fact that I've seen people more now than before I left. I was lonely before, but now I'm even more so.

Oh! The MW gave me the ok to start taking vitex again, and I'm so excited. I found out that it can help wonders for women with nursing issues, and seeing as it helped get me pregnant in the first place, and I know my body works really well with it, I'm excited. Actually, I took it yesterday, and I already can tell that there's a difference. I didn't have to give him a single oz of formula yesterday evening or night, which is a big improvement. So, here's hoping that some more time will make it even better!

Ok, long post, but it's been a while.
Oh, and people finally got me hooked on facebook.
Oh, right, and House. Which was awesome last night, btw.

I also want to get back into DDR really badly. I miss it so much. I miss how fun it was, and I miss burning 450-600 calories in one session. My friend Liz got me to accept doing Weight Watchers with her. I don't really want to, but it will get me out of the house with my friend. I think she feels left out no wthat I have a baby, you know? Plus, WW has a nursing dieting program, so it will be good to know how to diet while nursing. If you mess that up, it can cause a lot of problems, you know?

Anyway, I'll shut up now! lol

So, wow. Cayden has seriously grown a lot since he's been here. He had one major growth spurt, and he's about to start another. No, seriously. Within 2 days, we had to change the carseat strap sizes up by two major jumps.

And his motor development is crazy. Since being here, he has learned:
To wave
To laugh
To jump when you hold him
To sit up with hardly any assistance
To roll over from back to belly

He copies when we say "hi!", too. Of course, he doesn't know what that means, but yesterday I said "Hi!" and he'd say "Hi!", and we did it back and forth maybe 6-8 times. We've been working on it all week. He watches my mouth sooo carefully when I talk, and he tries so desperately to copy me, so I picked "Hi!" and "mama" to be two words that I repeat slowly to him during our talk time... and he's really catching on!

CRAZY

OH, and he's TEETHING.

For those of you who don't know, most of these are milestones for around SIX MONTHS or even later. Cayden JUST turned TWO months old!

He's grown several inches taller just since being here. I'd have to measure for the number, but he use to FIT in the pack and play vertically, and he had plenty of space, but how he can't lay in that direction. Not to mention the whole carseat thing.

While I am SO proud of him, I also wish he wasn't going so so ridiculously fast! I had hoped that his development would go even a little on the slower side for now, so that Brent didn't miss so very much...

It's all a little overwhelming sometimes. People tell me that he won't be walking before Brent gets home, but I'm starting to worry...